WWE RAW Reflections – 31/03/2008

-First things first. I didn’t do another WrestleMania review like I did last year, because I only saw a bit of WrestleMania. I only saw Batista vs Umaga, Flair vs Shawn Michaels and the Main Event via live Internet Streaming. Because Piracy is cool! And what I saw, I’m kinda glad I didn’t pay the $55 to see it, to be honest. Orton retains, Justin Breastshaw Layfield wins, Floyd Mayweather wins, and I don’t care.

-We kick off RAW with a highlight reel of Wrestle… I’m sorry, Flair vs. Michaels. Because that was the ONLY thing that happened last night.

-Oh. I see. It’s like Ric Flail Farewell Night tonight. Yay.

-OMG IT’S JOHN CEN-PSYCHE! It’s actually Trip-PSYCHE!! It’s actually that wacky, wacky World Champion/Sex Offender Randy Orton! Apparently we’re in the Age of Orton or something now. It will be trademarked by wearing metrosexual business-casual ensembles, and meaningless tribal tattoos. Also, frequent sex offenses and looking like a rapist. And who shall be so bold to stand up to this BOOO BAD GUY? Why it’s Justin Breastshaw Layfield! Because NOTHING says “Sympathetic Babyface” like a guy who rides down to the ring in a stretch limo, wears tailored suits, and brags about how successful he is in business. Oh yeah, Matt Hardy attacked Randy Orton afterwards for KICKING HIM WHERE HIS APPENDIX USED TO BE! And rumour has it, that’s not the only place Orton kicked him.

-In the back, Regal scolds Matt Hardy for attacking his champion FOR NO RAISIN! Orton vs the other Hardy tonight.

-Wait a fuck… TAG TEAM WRESTLING? ON WWE PROGRAMMING?? Holy crap! And they hired CRYME TYME back? Sweet, I look forward to more blatant plagiarism of Keenan Ivory Waynes TV shows… Oh yeah, to prove that Cryme Tyme’s stickin’ around, they got the win. AND, they were strangely over with the crowd. Maybe it’s just Orlando wrestling fans in general, and not just TNA fans, who like to pretend they’re Indy Fans.

-RIC FLAIR FAREWELL HIGHLIGHT: The night Flair won the OTHER company’s old world title from King Harley Race.

-Out for a promo, Shawn feels guilty about retiring Ric Flair. I miss the old Shawn Michaels. At least the cocky asshole was funny to watch.

-Backstage, Regal tries to brighten mopey ol’Hickenbottom’s mood by telling him he did what he had to. In the background, Batista glares at Shawn like he just killed Batista’s grandpa.

-ANOTHER TAG TEAM MATCH?! Man, WWE must be serious about rebuilding the Tag division. Londrick is back together, but at least they bothered to give us an explanation why. Despite Bob Holly being involved in this match, it didn’t suck so much. The ending sequence was Niiiice.

-RIC FLAIR FAREWELL HIGHLIGHT: The night Ric Flair beat Ricky Steamboat for the World Title. Thank god for WWE buying the NWA Tape library, huh?

-Celebrities That I Don’t Care About In Attendance: That band who did the WrestleMania 24 theme song who wasn’t The Red Hot Chilli Peppers.

-WrestleMania video package. YAWN.

-Fucking good match between Jericho and CM Punk. It’s matches like this that prove how ridiculous the Brand Split is. We could have matches like Jericho vs Punk every week, instead of, say, Snitsky vs. Super Crazy, or Bob Holly vs. Eurotrash Superstar. Like, seriously.

-Back from commercial, the Big Show (with bruise-coloured makeup on his face) is out to say a few words about how Flair called him the best big man the business had ever seen, until AW FUCK, THE TALL KHALI. Here’s a major pitfall of getting rid of the Brand Split, this tall piece of shit showing up and being useless. So good, we get a Big Show vs. Tall Khali “Who’s Better At Being Tall” feud. Wonderful.

-In the back, Eurotrash Superstar has apparently gotten himself a match against Maria, because he thinks the Divas should be at home, making babies out of pasta. Or something.

-Orton vs Hardy was standard RAW main event. Nothing really worth commenting on, good or bad.

-Via Satellite, THEE MURCAN DWEEM DUTHY RHODES ISTH HEAH TO TALKBOUT THA NACHA BOAH. Dining with royalty is mentioned. God, he’s so fat.

-Back from commercial, Orton and Breastshaw have an awkward moment in the locker room.

-Eurotrash Superstar vs Maria never happened, because various Divas came down to attack Eurotrash. Totally procrastinating on that Pasta Baby-Making they SHOULD be doing…

-And finally… I don’t like the guy, but a VERY classy Ric Flair Farewell sendoff. It’s kind of sad, though, to see just how horribly some of Ric Flair’s bestest wrestling friends have aged. Like Dean Malenko. He looks HORRIBLE. Anyway, the entire locker room empties to give Flair a round of applause, as RAW goes off the air.

-All in All… this RAW was decent. It’s GOOD to see them try and rebuild the Tag Division. Also, Jericho vs Punk for free was SWEET. But tonight wasn’t about all of that. It was about Ric Flair.

Seeing as this will probably be the last time I ever comment about anything to do with Ric Flair, and seeing as how, since I started writing these Reflections waaay back in 2004, I’ve always been rather negative about Flair, I think it’s time to sum up my opinion about him.

I don’t like him. I never, ever saw the big deal about him. Maybe it was because, living in rural Canada, we never got any NWA or WCW programming. Maybe it was because most of the accolades that most Ric Flair marks cite when arguing Flair’s position as TEH GREATEST WRESTLER EVER happened when I was a toddler (or even before I was born). Maybe it was, by the time I saw Ric Flair wrestle, I had already been spoiled by real, actually GOOD wrestlers (like Jake Roberts, Bret Hart, and Curt Hennig). Whatever the initial reason, I just never saw the big deal about Ric Flair.

On top of all of that, Flair had been actively wrestling for FAR too long. Look at him. EVery night since I started these Reflections, it looked like he was going to just collapse in a heap of dead old guy at any moment. His promos were inconsistent old man ramblings, he was CONSTANTLY sweating, and just looked like he was melting. But regardless, I’m man enough to swallow my pride and say, after a 36-Year career and 16 World Titles, he deserved his swansong tonight. And I’m pleasantly surprised that WWE didn’t pull a stupid swerve to ruin it.

-Now, let’s never speak of him again.

-END.