WWE RAW Reflections – 14/07/2008

-Welcome, once again, to another edition of the RAW Reflections!  This week, we’re LIVE from the Royal Bank of Canada Centre in Raleigh, North Carolina.  How the hell the Royal Bank of Canada ended up owning a sports arena in North Carolina, I’ll never know!

-To kick things off, the Charisma Twins, Stephie and Shane PLEAD with the RAW Roster to stop a-fussin’ and a-feudin’ and start being friends, DAMMIT!  Which segues to…

-Shawn and Jericho in mid-brawl, FOR NO RAISON!  Seriously, I expect this random, Crash TV Nonsense from Vince Russo’s TNA iMPACT!, but from RAW?  I was actually, in a Pavlovian response, expecting Jim Cornette to come out, shouting “HOLDITHOLDITHOLDIT!” and the Impact Theme to play…. But that’s not all!

-Why, here’s Kane to make things even MORE Random!  Wandering out with a burlap sac, to apologize to Michael Cole in the most insincere way possible.  Tsk tsk, Big Red Machine…

-Oh shit, we have our THIRD segment of the night, and the show isn’t even five minutes old!  We cut IMMEDIATELY to the back, where Ol’Man Hickenbottom is wailing away on Lance Garrison Cade, and the segment ends with no resolution, no explanation, and Shawn beaning some local indy wrestler pretending to be a security guard in the head…

-…and we immediately segue into… OH SHIT A WRESTLING MATCH TO KICK OFF RAW.  Katie Lea vs. Mickie James was really off pace, which is annoying, considering how many matches they’ve had with each other prior.  Also, apparently, Paul and Katie Lea Burchill are rich people now.  Probably from all of Paul’s moonlighting as a Pirate.  After the match, Paul and Katie ATTACK Mickie James!  Someone, Help!  AU SECOURS!  … S-O-S!!!!!!

-Oh, good!  Kofi Kingston heard me shoutin’!  Kofi rushes the ring, and by the time he gets there, his tear-away pants (which were OH SO COOL 10 years ago!) are already down past his knees!  Kofi challenges Paul for the Intercontinental Championship, but since Paul was staring off into space, Katie Lea accepts on his behalf!

-COMMERCIAL:  Goddamn it, is there actually a need to air commercials for The Dark Knight?  You know, anything more than just the logo for the movie and the opening night date?  Seriously, are there people out there who DON’T KNOW what Batman is, or what the Dark Knight will be about?

-Back from break, Kofi and Paul Burchill wrestle a decent little match.  I hope they do a longer version of this on PPV, for both Kofi and Burchill’s sake.  Kofi is also REALLY getting over, too.  With good reason, he’s a really good wrestler.  It’s like if you took Shelton Benjamin and made him swallow personality pills.

-Backstage, Matt Stryker (who looks like a recovering alcoholic) and Eurotrash Superstar are having a conversation about Eurotrash offering an open challenge tonight.  Eurotrash does his trademark “horribly screwing up common English Expressions,” but then is accosted by KAAAANE.  Who wants to know where CM Punk is.  Try the Pepsi Machine ROFFLES U R THE FUNNIES, WWE!!

-Back from break, we interrupt Kane and CM Punk’s conversation about that guy Kane is so concerned about being alive or dead, so we don’t know who he’s talking about yet.  Money is riding on Tupac Shakur.  Anyway, to prepare CM Punk for his match with that big lug Batista at the GAB, Punk once again faces another big lug this week.  Kane.  Also, still no information on what’s inside that burlap sack.  SUSPENSE.

-Further backstage, Nadd Grisham is with a SPECIAL GUES-oh, it’s just John Cena.  John’s in an extra-shouty mood tonight, and does a really, really long, yet surprisingly effective rant.  Basically, he says he’s going to beat Breastshaw at the GAB, and then challenges him and two other guys to a six man tag with Cena and Cryme Time tonight!

-..>Wait, WHAT THE FUCK?  CRYME TYME IN THE MAIN EVENT?  Ok, the show has OFFICIALLY plunged into CHAOS AND ANARCHY.  CHAOS AND ANARCHY I SAY.

-COMMERCIAL:  The Burger King-“Discontinuing The Whopper” ads really bother me.  The fact that we, as a culture, get attached to a FAST FOOD SANDWICH, to the point of throwing hissy fits over the very idea of not being allowed to have it anymore is proof that Western Culture swirling around the fucking toilet, going down.

-Back from Break, Eurotrash Superstar is in the ring, awaiting his OPEN CHALLENGE!  His opponent is… BETH PHOENIX? WTF?  Where has SHE been in the past few weeks?  And she’s a FACE NOW?  AW MAN, THIS IS NOT GOOD.  The match was pretty funny, though, what with Eurotrash Superstar being all misogynistic (as many… no, most Italians are), only to have Beth Phoenix fucking BEAT HIM.  TAKE THAT, Outdated European Machismo!

-Backstage, Kelly Kelly prepares for her match that is NEXT, to some real slutty workout music.

-Back from Break, Kelly Kelly’s match… will not be seen tonight, so that Rhodes and Dibiase can bring you this special presentation!  YAY.  Anyway, they cut basically the same promo as they did two weeks ago, except this time, they managed to make poor Hacksaw Jim Duggan cry in the process.  That was really kind of mean, too.  After the promo, The Giant, Disembodied Head of John Breastshaw Layfield requests the aid of Rhodes and Dibiase in his quest against Cena and his street-wise friends!

-Kane vs. CM Punk… sort of just happened.  Nothing really happened, except for Batista coming out and almost stealing all of Punk’s heat as Champ.  Just that.  No answers to what’s in that burlap sack yet…

-Back from Break, Jericho is here with Lance Garrison Cade to challenge to FEARSOME AND IMPRESSIVE Paul London!  IN TURQUOISE BASKETBALL SHOES!!!  Why didn’t the announcers play up the fact that Paul London was one of Shawn Michaels’ students?  It would have been a lot easier to swallow than the “PAUL IDOLIZED SHAWN” thing.  Post-match, after locking in the HOLY SHIT THAT’S THE REAL, ACTUAL LIONTAMER AND NOT SOME SHITTY BOSTON CRAB, Jericho tells Paul that he has two choices in life: he can be either honest and a Paragon of Virtue (I miss that nickname…) like Jericho or a LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE like Shawn Michaels.  Give in, Paul, Give In to the DAAAHRK SIIIIDE, and Emperor PalpaJericho will COM-PLEEETE your training!  Shawn Michaels then comes out and challenges him to a match at the GAB.  Thanks, Shawn, I think everyone kind of figured that was going to happen.

-Backstage, JAMIE NOBLE BOAH is trying to hook up with… Layla, is it?  The Diva Search winner who always looks like a bitch.  Jamie should know better, he has bad luck with trying to date women whom become WWE employees through shitty contests.  Somehow, Snitsky becomes involved (who looks even more hideous… and like the Missing Link… with that broken nose), and ends up beating the shit out of Jamie Noble.  He left RoH… for THIS?

-A re-airing of last night’s opening video of the McMahon Kids.  Shane warns us that they’ll be watching (I kind of hope so, seeing as it’s THEIR wrestling promotion…), and by the frequent CHAOS AND ANARCHY that has gone on, like Cryme Tyme in the Main Event, and Jamie Noble being on television, I don’t think he’ll be happy.

-MAIN EVENT TIME.  According to Breastshaw’s Stock Ticker entrance graphic, stocks in JBL and PYRO are up pretty high, while right now it’s not smart to buy TRI, BGOE, or RTR stock.  Didn’t you ever read his book, “Have More Money Now!”?  You didn’t either, eh?  Anyway, match happens, if you missed it, you didn’t miss a damn thing.  Post Match, we have another rendition of those OH SO CLASSY AND WONDERFULLY PRODUCED “Vehicular Assault In The Parking Lot” Angles.  Uggggggh.

-All in all, if you missed this show, you didn’t miss a damn thing.  Nothing REAL exciting happened, just a show going through the motions, preparing for the Great American Bash.  It didn’t stink, necessarily, it just wasn’t OMG U MUST WATCH IT NOW.  Also, according to post-show reports, Batista absolutely squashed CM Punk for no good reason.  That gives me HIGH hopes for the direction of this show…

-END.